Twitards Invade the Enterprise
by suburbantimewaster
Summary: The Enterprise is invaded by fangirls who believe Data is Edward Cullen. However, Data has an opinion on the series that these fangirls would never agree with.


A/N: I don't own Star Trek or Twilight. Oh, and in the 24th Century all data on the Twilight movies have been lost so all the Twitards have to go on is the book series. As you can see, that leads to complications.

* * *

Data was on his way to the bridge when he bumped into a young woman. He stopped to see if the young woman was okay.

"Are you all right?" he asked.

The lady looked into his eyes with delight.

"Golden eyes?" she asked.

"I am Lt. Commander-," Data began.

The woman continued inspecting him and interrupted Data before he could finish his sentence.

"Sparkly skin that feels cold. You're Edward Cullen!" the woman exclaimed.

Data was confused, not knowing who this Edward Cullen was.

"I am afraid that my name is Data, and I have no knowledge of an Edward Cullen."

Unfortunately, the young lady was not listening to him.

"Oh my God! I can't believe that I met Edward Cullen!"

Data only stared at the woman.

"As I have explained to you, my name is not Edward Cullen."

Again, his explanation fell on deaf ears.

"What are you doing on a starship?! Are you still married to Bella?! Can you say, 'do I dazzle you?!'"

Data left, realizing that the woman would not listen to him, creating a mental note to ask Counselor Troi about this later.

* * *

"You're telling me that some crazy woman mistook you for Edward Cullen?" Troi asked while laughing.

Data looked at her with confusion.

"I fail to see the humor in that situation."

Troi tried to bring herself to stop laughing, but failed.

"It's just that… The way Edward Cullen's portrayed… It's hard to believe that anyone could mistake you for him!" Troi exclaimed, continuing her laughter.

That did not change Data's expression of confusion.

"Why is it impossible to believe that I could be mistaken for this Edward Cullen?"

"Data, have you ever read Twilight?" Troi asked.

"I have heard it mentioned, but my knowledge of the series is incredibly limited," Data answered. "Should I read it?"

"If you want to, but I wouldn't recommend it," Troi said.

"Why would you not recommend it?" Data asked.

"Well, Twilight is not exactly one of the best written books. I'm surprised it managed to stay popular for this long," Troi answered.

"Still, I am curious about this book series," Data said.

* * *

Data quickly read all four books and could not comprehend why anyone would mistake him for this Edward Cullen. He seemed to have a habit of sneaking into Bella's room to watch her sleep, cared very little for human kind and even sabotaged Bella's car so that she was not allowed to see Jacob. According to Data's ethical program, these actions were wrong and the fact that a man who was constantly described as perfect would perform these actions greatly confused him. If anything, Edward's actions reminded Data of Lore.

Then there was the heroine, Bella Swan. She was described as strong, intelligent, selfless, responsible and independent. However, she constantly weeps about her life, needs the plot frequently explained to her, tends to put herself before others, and when Edward left in New Moon, she disobeyed her father's wishes for no other reason than to hear his voice. She even walked straight to strangers she had mistook for a rape gang under the belief that Edward would rescue her, endangering not only her life, but the life of her friend, Jessica. Bella also attempted suicide for the simple reason that she could not live without Edward. Data's thoughts were interrupted by a young teenage girl walking into his quarters.

"May I ask why you are here?"

The girl squealed.

"I can't believe it! I'm in Edward Cullen's quarters!" the girl exclaimed.

Data only looked at the girl in confusion.

"I believe that you have confused me with a character from a book series," Data said.

The girl looked around his quarters.

"There's no Bella! Does this mean I can be your Bella?!"

"Why do you love this Edward Cullen?" Data asked.

"Isn't it obvious?! It's because you're kind, chivalrous, and incredibly hot and you base your decisions not on what makes you happy, but on what makes your girlfriend happy!"

This only confused Data even more.

"I believe that you and I must have read about a different Edward Cullen," Data said.

The girl just looked around.

"You're so tidy and you have a musical instrument, just like in the book!"

Data grabbed his violin.

"I play the violin. In the book, Edward was an expert on the piano," Data explained.

"Maybe you changed instruments!"

Then she glanced at Spot.

"You probably feed off of that cat's blood just to protect everyone on the Enterprise!" she exclaimed.

"I would appreciate it if you left my quarters," Data said.

"But I just wanted to see you!" she exclaimed.

"You have entered my quarters without invitation to do so. I believe it would be wise for you to leave before I inform security of your actions."

"I love you, Edward Cullen!" she shouted.

Then she finally left.

"Computer, prevent access to my quarters for anyone who is not me."

* * *

Data was with Geordi at Ten-Forward.

"So, you're telling me that some girl barged into your quarters and thought you were some fictional vampire?" Geordi asked laughing.

"I fail to see the humor in the fact that my privacy was violated," Data responded.

Geordi managed to gain some control over himself before replying.

"Well, it's just that it's hard to believe that anyone could mistake you for him. Have you even read the books?" Geordi asked.

"Yes, and I did not find them entertaining. The characters seem to have very little personality, or their personality was not consistent in order to suit the story best. The series lacked a plot and seemed to revolve entirely around the main character's obsession with a young dominating vampire. I fail to see why this book series has such positive feedback," Data explained.

"Probably because it's like reading their diaries with the words 'hot vampire' in it," Geordi said, and then smiled to himself. "You know, I had a girlfriend in high school who broke up with me for not acting like Edward Cullen."

"Why would your girlfriend leave you for not emulating the behavior of an abusive dominating stalker?" Data asked.

Before Geordi could answer, a waitress appeared with an expression of excitement and pointed to the small fresh cut on her neck.

"I did this for you!" she exclaimed.

"Why would I be interested in a cut on your neck?" Data asked.

"This is great! I not only get to keep Edward's hunger under control, but I can't wait to see the look on my friends' faces when I tell them that Edward Cullen drank my blood!" the waitress exclaimed.

Data stared at the waitress while Geordi laughed in his drink.

"Sorry, miss, but _Edward _already had his fill," Geordi said.

The waitress looked disappointed.

"Well, this will still be here when you get hungry! I don't care how many times I have to cut myself!"

Then she left to serve another table.

"Perhaps we should inform Dr. Crusher about this woman's need to inflict injury on herself."

"I think Counselor Troi would be a better idea," Geordi said, unable to keep himself from laughing.

* * *

It was difficult, but through all the chaos, Data finally managed to make his way to the bridge.

"Captain, I must apologize for my tardiness, but I managed to encounter a few obstacles on my way here." Data explained.

At that point, a teenage girl walked on the bridge and shouted.

"Edward! Boxers or briefs?!"

Everyone stared at the girl in shock while Data looked at the girl with an expressionless face.

"I would rather not answer a question of such a personal nature," Data explained.

"Mr. Worf, escort this young lady off of my bridge," Picard ordered.

"Yes, sir."

Worf took the girl's shoulders and led her off the bridge. Wesley couldn't contain his laughter while Riker looked at the situation with amusement.

"I see what you mean by obstacles," Picard said. "Everyone, go back to your duties. This is not a laughing matter."

Data took his position next to Wesley Crusher.

"Having some trouble with Twitards?" Wesley asked.

"Twitards?"

"They're girls who are incredibly obsessed with Twilight and dream of being just like Bella. They also devote every inch of their lives to finding guys just like Edward Cullen," Wesley explained.

"Bella Swan does not seem like the proper role-model for young girls."

"Try telling that to my girlfriend's mother," Wesley said while laughing. "She keeps telling my girlfriend that she needs to dump me, or at least mold me so that I act more like Edward Cullen. She even talks about how much she'd love to have sex with Edward Cullen while her husband's still in the room."

"How does your girlfriend respond to this?" Data asked.

"She just tells her that if she wants a guy like Edward, she'll go to the brig and wait for the latest case of domestic abuse to come out," Wesley said.

"Why would any mother wish for their daughter to become involved with a man like Edward Cullen?" Data asked.

Wesley shrugged his shoulders.

"You're asking the wrong person, because I don't have a clue."

* * *

Geordi walked into Ten-Forward and searched for Data, but he was nowhere in sight.

"Guinan, have you seen Data?" Geordi asked. "He told me to meet him here."

"Yeah, he's right over there," Guinan said while gesturing to a table.

"I don't see him."

"Look under the table." Guinan instructed.

Geordi followed Guinan's instructions to see Data hiding under the table.

"Data?" Geordi said.

"I would appreciate it if you kept your voice at a minimum level," Data whispered.

Geordi joined his friend under the table.

"What are you doing?" Geordi asked.

"I am attempting to hide from the Twilight fans. Twelve have asked me for my hand in marriage, thirteen have loudly proclaimed that they wish to carry my child, and twenty have followed me around while asking for my signature on their data pads. Each one of these fans has offered themselves to me as a meal," Data explained.

"Data, I think you're experiencing your first emotion," Geordi said.

"I did promise to meet you in Ten-Forward and I saw no reason why I should break it. Therefore, I concluded that hiding under the table would be the only way for us to meet together in peace," Data explained.

Geordi's expression changed from one of amusement to one of concern.

"Data, maybe you should go to the captain about this," Geordi suggested.

"I do not wish to bother the captain with my minor predicament."

"I think the captain would want to know if one of his officers was constantly being stalked," Geordi said.

"I am not sure that stalking is the appropriate term for this situation," Data said.

At that moment, Data's combadge beeped, forcing him to tap it.

"This is Lt. Commander Data."

"Edward, I want to have your-!"

Data immediately shut it off and removed it from his uniform.

"How many calls have you gotten like that?"

"Exactly 311 on my combadge and 189 on my intercom, which I was forced to shut down."

"Is that why I couldn't reach you at your quarters?" Geordi asked.

"I am terribly sorry, Geordi, but I was left with no other alternative," Data explained.

Geordi breathed an exasperated sigh.

"Data, you have two options. You can go to Captain Picard or you can hide under tables until your program shuts down," Geordi explained.

Data seemed to be deep in thought about his situation when a waitress bent down to see him.

"Oh my God, Edward Cullen!" the waitress exclaimed

"Perhaps it would be best to inform the captain," Data concluded.

Data left Ten-Forward with all the speed he could muster, which would be incredibly fast.

"I'd put myself at the mercy of the Borg to get rescued by you!" the waitress shouted.

Geordi shook his head and smiled. Even if Data did have emotions, there was no way in hell he'd fall for any of these nutcases.

* * *

Data walked in the corridor, making sure to check around corners for signs of any Twilight fans. He finally made it to the Ready Room to come face to face with Captain Picard.

"What is it, Data?" he asked.

"Sir, there is a matter of importance that I wish to discuss."

"Is this about the Twilight fans that seem to believe that you're Edward Cullen?"

"Yes, sir, I take it that you are aware of my predicament."

"I'm afraid that the entire ship's aware of your predicament."

"Geordi suggested that I see you about it, but I am afraid that your time is far too preoccupied for a small situation," Data said.

At that point, Dr. Crusher arrived.

"Jean-Luc, I keep getting reports of young girls and women suffering from various injuries. Apparently, they purposely perform dangerous acts in order to be rescued by a character from a book series called Edward Cullen. I think there might be a mental sickness spreading."

"Apparently not everyone's aware of your predicament, Mr. Data," Picard said.

"What do you mean?" Dr. Crusher asked.

"Beverly, meet Edward Cullen," Picard said, while gesturing to Data.

Dr. Crusher looked at Data with confusion.

"People think that Data's Edward Cullen?" Dr. Crusher asked.

"Unfortunately, yes," Data answered.

Data explained the various encounters he had with Twilight fans.

"I have come to you for assistance," Data finished.

"I can see why this would be a problem," Picard said.

"Is there any solution that you could offer?" Data asked.

Picard pressed a button on the intercom.

"Picard to Worf."

"Yes, sir?"

"I'm sure that you're well aware of Data's problems with stalkers."

"Quite aware of it, sir."

"I need you to assign two security guards to protect him from this madness."

"Will do sir, Worf out," Worf said.

Picard turned to Data.

"That should solve your problem, Mr. Data."

"Thank you, sir," Data replied. "Actually, there is one thing that troubles me."

"What would that be?" Dr. Crusher asked.

"Ever since my first encounter with these Twilight fans, I found myself doubting my quest to become human. Young girls seem to look to Bella Swan as a role-model and believe Edward Cullen's abusive tendencies to be forms of true love. Parents have even encouraged this type of thinking in their daughters," Data explained.

"So, you're basing an entire race on how a few people act?!" Crusher said, clearly offended by Data's statement. "Data, if I had a daughter, I would never let her near those books and I certainly wouldn't want her to act like Bella or go anywhere near a guy like Edward."

"If I had a daughter, I would do the same," Picard agreed. "Try not to let this experience sabotage your opinion of the human race in general."

"Thank you," Data said.

Data left the Ready Room and the Bridge to meet his two bodyguards.

* * *

Data met Geordi in Ten-Forward.

"So, how are the bodyguards?" Geordi asked.

"I prefer their company to the Twilight fans," Data answered.

As Data and Geordi went to their table, a sudden thought struck Data's positronic brain.

"Do you believe it to be possible that Lore has been mistaken for Edward Cullen?"

* * *

"Edward, I love-!"

Lore immediately snapped the girl's neck, threw her body on the ground and kept on walking. He had to deal with enough of this on the Omicron Theta Colony, and he did not want to continue dealing with this. He read the book series and could never figure out why that thing was so popular. These screaming girls were partly the reason why he contacted the Crystal Entity in the first place. They were also part of his reason for how he came to his conclusion about humanity. One thing was for sure, as soon as he had power, the Twilight fans will be the first biological life forms to go.


End file.
